I was a geek in high school. This should come as a surprise to no one, but in case it does, let me add that I was an ‘under-the-radar’ kind of geek for years by virtue of the fact that I spent a lot of time by myself, so no one got the chance to find out just how deep the geek went. Truthfully, I didn’t even know just how nerdy I was until I surfaced from my solitude a few years later and discovered that most people didn’t get as myopically passionate about niche topics as I did.
About 75% of my high school existence was on the internet, the Livejournal community in particular. How do I describe Livejournal? Well, it is (or was) a place for the venting of high emotions, creating and sharing icons, and forming role-playing games based on various fandoms. For me, it was about Harry Potter. I was incredibly lonely during high school, an invisible misfit, but online and among fellow Potterphiles, I could be cool. (Except, of course, the internet can’t change who you are, really, and even virtual reality catches on eventually.) For awhile, though, it was nice to have a place to go and talk about the multitude of reasons fictional characters were going to hook up, or make predictions for future books.
By the time the final Harry Potter book came out I’d largely detoxed from my most fannish tendencies, like writing fan fiction and obsessively taking the ‘What Hogwarts House Would You Be Sorted In?’ quizzes. I went to college and met other people who like pop culture and go to Comic-Con. We meet up to share comic books and have hours-long discussions about television shows; snacks are usually involved.
But, Odin help me, I think I’m relapsing.
The trouble is Tumblr, or, as I’ve started thinking of it, this decade’s Livejournal. They make it too simple. So many pretty pictures at your fingertips, and it’s so easy to just turn your brain off as you scroll through the endless repository of .gifs and .jpegs. The other problem is The Avengers and my intense love of this film. I’ve seen it 3 times so far. I say ‘so far’ because that will by no means be the end of it. The reasons I love it could really fill another post and probably will, but suffice it to say, I’m not alone.
See, people keep making things. Art, clothing, memes, photo collections, short stories, even just clever observations, and every time they post them to Tumblr and tag it with ‘avengers’ I have to click the ever-increasing number next to the tag – it never stops. It’s actually impossible to see it all, but the OCD portion of my brain doesn’t want to stop trying.
And then seeing all the cool things other people are creating makes me want to create my own. I’m not talking ‘one graphic and it’s out of my system,’ I mean I’m feeling the impulse to write Hawkeye/Black Widow fic. It’s a rabbit hole, Alice. A wascally wabbit hole.
Part of my brain says things like, ‘Don’t be absurd, you have a master’s degree now, you’re trying to make a name for yourself as a professional writer, you can’t write fan fic.’ Then the other part challenges that with, ‘I do what I want!* Besides, there are people in the world who actually get paid to play in another kid’s sandbox.’ The problem with that, of course, is that I’m not actually one of them. Yet.
Some days it just seems like too much trouble to be a rational adult professional. I want to be me, fangirl and all. But if I take anything away from The Avengers, it should be to follow in Bruce Banner’s footsteps; sometimes, it’s okay to let the Geek out.
*This has become an internet meme.






















