Instead of criticizing the Sochi Winter Olympics, people of the internet should compete in online events to prove their superiority.
I can’t comment on sports with any degree of authority, but I can judge the internet – just like every other plugged-in person on the planet. So instead of remarking on figure skating or slopestyle, I imagined what events might find their way into an Internet Olympics for those who excel at sitting in front of a computer.
The 140-Character Snark – Entrants strive to craft the most sarcastic tweet with points awarded for topicality, proper spelling, and correct use of punctuation. Representing the US: Patton Oswalt.
Rhythmic Tumblring – Newcomer Orlando Jones, representing Team Sleepy Hollow, is likely to take the gold after recently dedicating his life to the sport. Benedict Cumberbatch and Team Sherlock are a cinch for silver, despite Cumberbatch’s physical absence from the event. And, of course, Team GIF might just pull out a surprise victory – or get disqualified for looping.
Pairs Shipping – Reactions to J.K. Rowling‘s polarizing interview prove that the love lives of fictional characters are still hotly and widely contested. Marked by endless internet polling, whose preferred coupling will make it to the finals?
Cross-Country Trolling – Formerly a YouTube-dominated category, Google’s anti-privacy policies have made the video site ineligible for the 2014 Games. With YouTube out of the running, this year’s trolling event will be a tough contest between the Reddit Redditors and the Yahoo Answers Yahooligans.
Conclusion Jumping – This event is anyone’s game. How many incorrect or inappropriate conclusions can you draw from a soundbite taken out of context? If you think you have what it takes to be the next Conclusion Jump champion, challenge gold medalists from across the 24-hour news networks to a competition of misinformation.
Would you medal in the 780p Photobomb? Or Synchronized Minecrafting? I’m definitely not qualified for the real Olympics, but when they add Desktop Organization to the roster, I’ll be there to take home the gold.